Do you ever get the feeling there’s a secret panel of judges hiding in the rafters critiquing every parenting choice you make?
Well, that’s because there is. Okay maybe not literally but figuratively, there is.
There are people, possibly some in your own circle, who think they know better. Who believe they’d do better, if it were their kids. But there’s just one catch.. they don’t even have kids.
Becoming a mom is (incoming cliché) the best thing that has ever happened to me. Ever since I can remember all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mom.
For years I worried that maybe something was wrong with me. Everyone else seemed to have these career dreams they were so passionate about and there I was just wanting to get married and have babies. Was I not ambitious enough? Did I secretly think I couldn’t handle a career? Did my wires get crossed somewhere? I mean, aside from a brief, Legally Blonde induced period of time when I wanted to become a lawyer, there was nothing else I could ever see myself becoming. Except a wife and a mom.
Turns out, though, it’s just what I was always meant to become and somehow I knew it very early in life.
Being a parent means you’ll have to prepare yourself for an onslaught of unsolicited advice, jokes, comments, you name it. You won’t believe the audacity of some people. Strangers even. You also might not recognize the fierce mama bear that emerges from her cave the very second she senses danger near her little ones. It’s intense. And scary. Mostly for those unfortunate enough to find themselves on the receiving end.
You’ll eventually learn to weed out the few decent tips from their credible sources and just let the rest slip out of mind.
Now, while I’ve only been a mom for nearly 14 years, I know this gig well enough to realize that most people mean well. Family, friends and strangers alike. Most (most) don’t intend to offend, upset, or ridicule you. They don’t actually mean to insult you by criticizing your actions and decisions in the most important “job” you will ever have. Although it may seem that way at times.
And then there are those people.
You know the ones I’m referring to.. the people who say things like:
“I’d never let my kid do that.”
“My child wouldn’t be watching a tablet at a restaurant.”
“My little ones will listen, the first time.”
“My kids won’t be eating junk food.”
“Is that his/her inside voice?”
“My kids will get along with each other. I’m going to make sure they aren’t too close in age.. or too far apart.”
(Insert eye-roll)
These people are the kid-less critics.
Kid-less Critic: a presumably well intentioned adult who plans to have children at some undisclosed time in the future and therefore feels entitled to have an opinion about your kids and parenting choices.
They’re not mean or cruel or heartless. I don’t even believe that they aim for their remarks to come off as being harsh at all.
They just.. don’t know what they don’t know.
And look, I’ll be honest, I’ve been there. I had some of those same thoughts before becoming a parent… ‘I was never going to do that and I would always do this. My kids would act like this and things would go this way. This would happen and that wouldn’t. And this is what I’d allow my kids to do or have, in moderation of course.’
We’d be lying if we said we didn’t all have those fleeting thoughts before embarking on this journey. Of course, most of us know not to actually voice those thoughts out loud.. to people who are actually parents themselves.
Then, one day you’re holding that brand new baby in your arms and guess what?
You’re still delusional.
I think that’s one of the many things that makes becoming a parent so difficult.
It’s not until the sleep deprivation sets in – we’re talking 3 to 4 hours of sleep max over the course of an entire week.. for multiple weeks in a row – that you realize maybe you don’t have as much control over the situation as you previously envisioned.
None of us do.
It’s when your child eats every 2 hours or when you’re concerned they’re not eating enough. When you’re told your newborn may have a heart defect and you have to wait weeks for an appointment with the specialist. When their teeth begin to emerge and your child somehow gains 6 teeth over 8 week’s time – I’m still trying to recover from that and it was nine years ago. When they say their first word, take their first steps and let go of your hand for the first time. It’s when they start school and say, “I can do it on my own. I’m a big kid!” When they wave goodbye before their first sleepover. And when they no longer look back to wave goodbye at the end of the school hallway.
It’s when your biggest fears no longer include yourself at all. Instead, those once self-centered fears are now focused entirely around the well-being of your children, because your world will never revolve around you again.
Yes, my kids sometimes have a screen propped up in front of their face at a restaurant. The critics may whisper and judge unknowingly and that’s okay. I know my child had a long day of schoolwork, then football practice. I know he works hard to earn A’s and that he has practices 3 nights a week and has games on Saturdays. He may not like carrots or broccoli or green beans and yes he ordered a coke but he drinks water 90% of the time and he’s been trying foods that he never would before.. now he’ll eat corn-on-the-cob and he’ll eat lettuce and onions on his cheeseburger.
Oh and I can’t count the number of times we’ve reminded our youngest to use his inside voice, which is still louder than most people’s, and those critics aren’t aware of that as they make their comments to each other. But I know he’s trying to remember because he told me so. He also said he’s sorry when he forgets.. “But mom, can you just keep reminding me and maybe I won’t forget it one day?”
I know these things and the critics don’t. I know my children and the critics don’t. We’re so quick to point and whisper and pass judgment when it comes to other people’s parenting techniques. And it’s sad. Because if the truth were stamped across our foreheads it would all read the same way: we’re afraid of failing at this incredible responsibility. We want to enjoy the moments and take each day in and cherish it. But some days it takes everything in us to get from breakfast to bedtime without breaking down. Some days are just, days. And you know what? That’s okay.
And when those amazing kids who you’ve instilled all the “good” things in – morals, values, manners – don’t act accordingly or would rather watch kids they don’t know review games and memes on YouTube.. maybe it’s simply because they’re mentally and physically exhausted. Nothing more. Maybe we don’t need to analyze every single thing a child does. Maybe we can just let them be kids?
Our children have their own minds, personalities, tempers, emotions, thoughts and dreams. We’re here to navigate with them on their journey for as long as we can, but with each milestone they’re becoming their own person. And we’re realizing over and over again that we were never really in control to begin with.
We’re simply doing the best we can without so much as a guide and let’s face it, the compass hasn’t worked since the baby tried to eat it.
So no, kid-less critics shouldn’t voice their opinions about how or why we parents do the things we do. We all start out wading in the same waters but becoming a parent means we’ve breached the mouth of the river and it’s open waters from here on out. Shark infested waters.
As parents, we’re faced with the unknown quite often and it’s scary. Sometimes we can spot unpleasant weather on the horizon and we have time to reroute. Other times the skies open wide and we’re hit with a fierce storm capable of capsizing our boat. But we push through and pray that our little family comes out unscathed. It’s the unknown that’s most frightening.
I think there’s a common misconception among kid-less critics (and even some parents, if we’re being honest) that well-behaved kids are always well-behaved. We expect them to grow up so quickly and act accordingly but then complain when “kids these days don’t play outside enough” or “have their face in a screen too often” or throw a tantrum when they don’t get their way or if they’re in a bad mood or act mean. It’s all so contradictory.
Do you consider yourself to be a well-behaved adult? Are you always well-behaved? We all know the honest answer to that question. How can we possibly expect children, with minds that aren’t even fully developed yet and emotions that are very real and very big from their perspective, to have it all together when we most certainly don’t, ourselves?
So to the critics, with kids and without, it’s okay.. we’ve been there and we understand the presumptions and whispers.
But if you don’t mind doing us a favor.. let us know when your boat reaches open waters and maybe we can drop anchor somewhere, wait for you to meet us wherever you need to, and laugh together about all the things are kids are doing, that we swore they never would.
The Log Farmhouse 